Archive for April, 2009
Breaking up, hidden finances, chronic worrier
April 2nd, 2009 | 
Author: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about three years. She has a four year old daughter from a previous relationship who I absolutely adore. In fact, I redecorated one of the bedrooms in my house just for her for when she and her mom stay over. Her mom took this as a sign that I want to marry her. Here’s the problem- I really want to break-up with my girlfriend. In reality, if it wasn’t for her daughter I probably would have broken up with her long ago. What should I do? – No Love for the Mom
Dear No Love:
First off, what’s with decorating a bedroom for a child that’s not related to you? Secondly, you have a serious dilemma. In fact, it’s more serious than you can image. I think it’s great that you get along so well with the daughter, but you have to realize that your girlfriend and her daughter are a package deal. This child could be seriously damaged emotionally becoming so attached to a ‘father figure’ only to have you break off the relationship with the mother down the line. By your own admission, you do not love your girlfriend. That being the case, you need to end this relationship immediately for the sake of everyone involved.
Dear AH:
My husband is great and we have always had a very open and caring relationship, but there is only one problem. I lied to my husband about the amount of money I owe. He came into the relationship completely debt free. I have a lot of student loans (about $150,000) and told him about those, but I didn’t tell him about the huge credit card debt I’m in (about $45,000). I have all my accounts set up for online statements so that he can’t find out, but this constant worry and deception is taking a toll on me and I think it will eventually show in our marriage. I don’t want to sneak around anymore, but I’m scared. Please tell me what to do! – Financial Infidel
Dear Infidel:
I understand that this is a sticky and scary subject, but there is really only one answer to this problem-come clean. Sit him down and tell him the entire, whole truth. Have statements and paperwork ready as proof of our honesty about the true total debt. Also, after you give him the number, have a plan on how you are going to deal with this (ie payment plans, therapy). He’s probably not going to be happy, but, if you have a great marriage like you stated, he will hang in there with you.
Dear AH:
I know this is a stupid problem, but I can’t seem to quit worrying all the time. I worry about everything from is there going to be another world war to what if I’m late for work. I know it counter productive and a waste of energy, but I just can’t help it. My friends tease me saying I’m becoming a manic, but it’s gotten so bad that I having trouble sleeping. I just sit up all night watching the news and finding new stuff to worry about. Help! - Worry Obsessed
Dear Obsessed:
There’s an old saying that goes ‘Worry is interest paid on fear.’ More to the point, worry is, well, pointless. Worrying is not going to change anything. I think you need to redirect your attention. Get some exercise, spend time with friends, get a hobby, see a movie. What I’m saying is use your time on this world to enjoy the life given to you. If you feel like you still can’t get over your anxiety, I recommend talking to a therapist that can help you work through your fear issues and possibly prescribe some relaxation techniques to help you deal with your situation. Good luck and I wish you the best.
Posted in 
Tags: Dumping a downer friend, Pet problems, Mean Co-Worker
Dear AH:
I am writing to ask what is the best way to dump a friend? I hang around with a group of people and we all usually have a great time, but there is one person who is always the downer. It’s gotten to the point that we are all finding ourselves lying just to avoid spending time with her. Any suggestions? -Dodging a downer
Dear Dodging:
I have been through this very situation myself and can sympathize with the struggle between trying to be nice and trying to stay sane. I can tell you that lying is not the answer. Obviously at some point this person had to be somewhat fun or else you would have never started any kind of friendship with her. It seems that you have three options. 1. You could try to have lunch and maybe discuss what’s going on in her life to make her such a downer; 2. Just be upfront tell her that her company is less than enjoyable and you don’t want to spend any more time with her or 3. Totally avoid her (don’t answer the phone, email or text). I recommend starting with Option 1. If things don’t get any better, you may want to skip straight to Option 3.
Dear AH:
I have an on again/off again relationship with this guy. During one of the on again stages, he bought a ferret named Foster which he said was our pet. Now we have broken up again, but he wants me to take Foster. He says Foster was only ever happy with me. Part of me wants to keep Foster because I really do love him and he is a reminder of the good times, but my landlord says that ferrets smell and has totally nixed the idea. Should I just tell my ex that I can’t have the ferret or should I move and keep him. Please help. – Pet Lover
Dear Lover:
I have to be brutally honest here. Your ex is trying to get rid of a pet he doesn’t want. Also, I think you want to keep Foster as a connection to your ex. Be honest with yourself about this relationship. It’s over and probably for the good as it appears there is some manipulation on the part of your ex to unload a ferret to you. The only moving you should be doing is moving on with your life.
Dear AH:
I just started working at a new job and everyone seems very nice except for this one girl. She has been here longer than anyone else and bosses everybody around even though she is just a worker bee like the rest of us. I want to get along with everyone, but I don’t want to be pushed around either. Should I just tell this girl off or keep my mouth shut? Thanks for your help. – New Girl
Dear New:
First off, congratulations on the new job! I understand you are frustrated with the current pecking order, but I recommend keeping your cool right now. Being that you have just started working in a new place, you don’t know what kind of influence this girl might have over management. Remember, there’s a reason she’s an old-timer. Try to be pleasant and friendly, but avoid contact with her as much as possible. Given time she might mellow out or not. Regardless you will be in a better position to decide how to deal with her after you have a bit of time under your belt. Good luck!