Advice Hound

Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

Not Alone Again Naturally

Dear Not:

We can appreciate your predicament. Everybody needs some alone time. Often a spouse will interpret this to mean there is a problem in the relationship, when in fact it has nothing to do with the relationship at all.  You have two options. 1. You could explain that, due to the new work schedule, you are not getting enough time for yourself and that he is not getting time to himself. Agree to have an hour or so alone in different parts of the house as “Me Time” for each of you. or 2. You could get him interested in a new hobby which will inadvertently force him to give you space. For instance, encourage he go golfing with the guys. That gives you a good four or five hours to yourself. He is getting exercise and guy time and you are getting your wish for free time. Voila, everybody wins.

Dear AH:

I am a professional man in my late 20s. I’m single, have no kids and have no obligations. My boss is an attractive, married older woman somewhere in her 40s. We have always gotten along well.  About two months ago, we were working late just the two of us and ended up sleeping together. Though I do find this woman attractive, I have no interest in having a relationship with her. She seems to believe that we are an item and has went so far as to force herself on me at work.  I’m afraid if this affair continues, we are going to get caught and I’ll get fired. Also, I don’t think she will react well to my ending the fling. I really don’t want to loose my job. How can I end this relationship with my career in tact.

In A Bad Spot

Dear Bad Spot:

Rule of thumb—never, not ever, NEVER, SLEEP WITH YOUR BOSS! There is no way it’s going to end well. (Just a side note, here at AH, we advise never, ever sleep with a married person, but that’s another question). You may want to speak to your boss and tell her that you think the higher ups may be suspicious of your relationship. Assure her that you do not want to jeopardize her or your careers. Also, tell her that it’s not fair to either of you to have a relationship based on deceit and secrecy. After that, be firm and end the affair. If that doesn’t work and she continues to pursue you, ask for a transfer of departments. Remember to be polite and kind, but firm when working your way out of this mess. Don’t threaten this woman, but don’t let her manipulate you either. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

P.S. Just in case, you may want to be looking for another job- to be on the safe side.

Dear AH:

Last year I discovered that my wife had been cheating on me and had several affairs with different men. Through a very intense period, we have repaired the damage between us and made the marriage much stronger. Though there is still considerable pain, in many ways we’re happier now. Here’s my question: How can I satisfy my overwhelming urge to punish the men who invaded my marriage? I have done some detective work on my own and have pretty much pinned down where a couple of these guys work and their home life ( 2 of them are married with kids). Though I’ve forgiven my wife, I just can’t let these guys get away with this. It’s not fair that our lives have been torn apart while they go on living like nothing ever happened. What I want is the best way to make them wish they’d never come anywhere near my wife or family?

Still Hurting

Dear Still:

Unfortunately, we at AH have quite a bit of experience dealing with a cheating partner. Ah, punishing the interloper. It always seems to be the answer, but in fact, it’s not. You have to step back and take your emotions out and see the situation for what it is. The men your wife had affairs with owe you nothing. They made no vows pertaining to your marriage, but your wife did and that is the person to whom the blame squarely rests. If you are still upset from the affairs, then seek couples counseling. You may be telling yourself that you have forgiven your wife, but you have not. You have just transferred the anger from her to her partners. From your letter, you state that you have worked out the marital problems and moved on as a couple. If that is in fact true, then do that-move on. Taking revenge on these men will do nothing. As a side note, we at AH believe in karma. These guys will get theirs. Be sure of that, but keep you karma and your conscience clear and let the powers that be deal with them.

JUST A THOUGHT

Workplace romance can make an otherwise drab day exciting. The sneaking around and secret lover stuff can be great. However, there is a potential price to pay for such fun, namely the loss of your livelihood and a dent in your career plans. Before you decide to involve yourself with a colleague or boss, weigh costs of the relationship. Are you willing to lose your job over this person? If things don’t work out could the other person make your work day miserable. If after considering these things you still feel like this person is worth the risk, then by all means go for it. But remember, if you are going to be stupid, you need to learn to be tough.

Dear AH:

Can you recommend any cheap gifts I could give my girlfriend. It’s her birthday and I’m short on cash. Thanks.

Budgeting Boyfriend

Dear Budgeting:

Inexpensive gifts aren’t necessarily cheap gifts. A cheap gift is something that you buy merely because the price is right. An inexpensive gift is a gift you choose that suits the occasion and the gift recipient, but just happens to not cost a lot of money. Without knowing your girlfriend, we could recommend anything that shows time and effort, not necessarily lots of money. Examples: A nice dinner cooked by you at home along with rented DVDs of her favorite movies; If you are a musician, write a song about how much you care about her; or Give her the spa treatment at home- run her a scented bath, paint her toe nails for her and then give her a full body massage (this is a favorite gift here at Advice Hound). Remember, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to give a great gift, just be thoughtful and considerate.

Dear AH:

I have been working in a office for about a year now, my first job, and I am starting to see the spread, as in my butt. I have never really had a weight problem, but it’s like I’ve ballooned overnight. I really don’t eat any more than I usually do, but my clothes are getting tighter. It getting so I don’t want to go shopping because I know I’ll have to buy a bigger size, but I’m going to have to do something soon. Any advice?

Gaining Experience and Weight

Dear Gaining:

Congratulations, we have just become part of the sedentary career club which includes unlimited weight gain if you don’t watch yourself. It’s a sneaky weight gain because you think if you don’t change your eating patterns, then your weight will stay the same. Unfortunately, the hours of sitting and inactivity take a toll. The good news is that you’ve noticed the problem before it has gotten out of hand. That being the case, the prescription for this problem is exercise. Yes, we know you didn’t want to hear that, but it needs to be said. Getting into some routine now will help stave off future pounds and help you get yourself back in shape. One of the best recommendations we’ve heard is wearing a pedometer to track your steps through the day (at least 10,000 steps per day is recommended). This will help you gauge exactly how sedentary you’ve become and help develop a fitness program to suit you lifestyle and health needs. Just a side note, you may want to make an appointment with your doctor before beginning any exercise program or to check that there is not a medical reason for the recent weight gain.

Dear AH:

My roommate is one of my dearest friends. Recently her cat (I’ll call her Mittens) died and you would think that the world has ended. My friend refuses to go out, she won’t eat and sits and cries all the time. I understand she was very close Mittens, but it’s getting old. At first I was supportive, but now I just want to tell her to get over it. Am I being mean or do I have a point here? Thanks for your input.

Over It

Dear Over:

Do you have a point? Yes. Is your friend being a drama queen? Maybe not. We understand what it is like to see someone acting overly distraught at the death of a pet. It can be annoying and just seem like a cry for attention. Maybe it is a cry for attention and you should be a little more sensitive to what is going on here. Has your friend recently had a run of bad luck or has she been under a great deal of stress? The death of a pet may exacerbate an underlying issue and cause your friend seemingly overreact. Additionally, Mittens may have been her source of coping with other problems and her death felt like the loss of a trusted friend or family member. Regardless, just be patient with her and offer your support. If she feels like talking about it, lend a sympathetic ear and just listen. Sometimes that’s all anyone really needs to move on after a personal, tragic event.  RIP, Mittens.

Do you have a question or need some advice? Please feel free to contact Advice Hound at question@advicehound.com.

Dear AH:

I am writing to ask what is the best way to dump a friend? I hang around with a group of people and we all usually have a great time, but there is one person who is always the downer. It’s gotten to the point that we are all finding ourselves lying just to avoid spending time with her. Any suggestions? -Dodging a downer

Dear Dodging:

I have been through this very situation myself and can sympathize with the struggle between trying to be nice and trying to stay sane. I can tell you that lying is not the answer. Obviously at some point this person had to be somewhat fun or else you would have never started any kind of friendship with her. It seems that you have three options. 1. You could try to have lunch and maybe discuss what’s going on in her life to make her such a downer; 2. Just be upfront tell her that her company is less than enjoyable and you don’t want to spend any more time with her or 3. Totally avoid her (don’t answer the phone, email or text). I recommend starting with Option 1. If things don’t get any better, you may want to skip straight to Option 3.

Dear AH:

I have an on again/off again relationship with this guy. During one of the on again stages, he bought a ferret named Foster which he said was our pet. Now we have broken up again, but he wants me to take Foster. He says Foster was only ever happy with me. Part of me wants to keep Foster because I really do love him and he is a reminder of the good times, but my landlord says that ferrets smell and has totally nixed the idea. Should I just tell my ex that I can’t have the ferret or should I move and keep him. Please help. – Pet Lover

Dear Lover:

I have to be brutally honest here. Your ex is trying to get rid of a pet he doesn’t want. Also, I think you want to keep Foster as a connection to your ex. Be honest with yourself about this relationship. It’s over and probably for the good as it appears there is some manipulation on the part of your ex to unload a ferret to you. The only moving you should be doing is moving on with your life.

Dear AH:

I just started working at a new job and everyone seems very nice except for this one girl. She has been here longer than anyone else and bosses everybody around even though she is just a worker bee like the rest of us. I want to get along with everyone, but I don’t want to be pushed around either. Should I just tell this girl off or keep my mouth shut? Thanks for your help. – New Girl

Dear New:

First off, congratulations on the new job! I understand you are frustrated with the current pecking order, but I recommend keeping your cool right now. Being that you have just started working in a new place, you don’t know what kind of influence this girl might have over management. Remember, there’s a reason she’s an old-timer. Try to be pleasant and friendly, but avoid contact with her as much as possible. Given time she might mellow out or not. Regardless you will be in a better position to decide how to deal with her after you have a bit of time under your belt. Good luck!