Advice Hound

Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Dear AH:

About six months ago, my boyfriend of five years broke up with me for seemingly no reason. He said he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I found out from a mutual friend that he is engaged. Needless to say, I was devastated. I called him to ask if he had been cheating on me the whole time and he said that he never cheated, but he did meet this girl right after we broke up and he just knew she was the one. When I asked him why it took him five years to figure out that I wasn’t the one, he just kind of laughed like it was a joke. I was so mad that I hung up the phone, but now I really want to know the answer. It’s been a couple of weeks now and I’ve cooled off enough to have an adult conversation, but my sister says that if I call back now I’ll look like a pathetic psycho. She may be right, but it’s killing me. Do you think I should call or am I being nuts.

 Dear Not:

First of all, you are good enough. You and your ex just weren’t right for each other. It doesn’t make either one of you bad people. Just be glad that you didn’t marry this guy and have kids to find out it wasn’t going to work out.

 Also, your sister is right. Do not call this guy. This is the past, so let it go. Clearly he is moving on and so should you. We know it hurts, because trust us, several of us have been down this road before, but it can do no good contacting your ex. Just learn from this experience and open your heart to new love and new experiences. It may take awhile to get over the sting, but eventually you will. Good luck and hang in there.

My husband and I recently had a big church wedding with about 200 guests. It was a great day and it seemed everybody really enjoyed themselves. Everybody kept remarking how calm we both were and that we should be nervous. The reason we weren’t nervous is because we were married over a year before this wedding in a civil ceremony for legal reasons. No one except our parents know about this, not even my or my husbands siblings. We were going to tell everyone, but were worried that they would not take the church wedding serious (we are both very religious and getting married in the Church was important to us). Our question is this, should we tell everybody about the civil ceremony or just keep it secret? I know for certain that a few people would be very upset with us if they knew. Thanks.

 Dear AH:

Sometimes it’s hard to keep a smile on when everything is crumbling around you. It’s easy for someone to say ‘Keep your chin up’, but its hard to actually do it. Without knowing exactly the nature of the crap that’s been happening, all we can offer is this: Things are going to happen which you will have no control over. The only thing you can control is your attitude and how you respond to it. Try and focus on what’s going right and ride out the storm. Good luck with everything.

Dear AH:

Recently I was contacted on a social website by an ex-roommate. When we lived together several years ago, she was a nightmare. She was very sneaky and nosey. For instance, I would have a private telephone conversation in my room. Later in the week, she would ask me questions which she could only have thought to ask based on the private call. Clearly, she was eavesdropping. It was always something like that. Anyway, I was glad to move out and never had the desire to ever speak to her again. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like I’m being rude just ignoring her, yet I really don’t want to have any contact with her either. Should I just go ahead and ‘friend her’ or should I ignore her request?

Dear AH:

My husband and I occasionally go to dinner with another couple who I will call ‘Sarah’ and ‘Bill’. They are very nice people separately, but when they are together it is just a series of name calling and insults. My husband and Bill are very close friends and Sarah and I often go shopping or to lunch. We both enjoy the time we spend with them, but I just can’t stand another meal sitting quietly listening to their fighting. It has gotten to the point that we have been asked on more than one occasion to leave a restaurant by the management due to the loud fighting. My husband just laughs it off, but I’m over it.

Recently, Sarah asked if we would like to join them for a few weeks at their vacation house. My husband is all for it so that we can get away, but I just don’t want to deal with these people for several weeks. How do I get out of this without hurting everybody’s feelings and making my husband mad.

We at AH know a couple just like that-super nice, but just not meant for each other. You need to be honest with your husband and let him know that you can’t take this couple together anymore and will not spend a few (probably miserable) weeks with them. As for Sarah and Bill, tell them straight out that you will not be able to make it. Since your husband and Bill are very close, your husband may want to have a talk with Bill about the public verbal boxing matches and let him know that you all won’t be joining them couple activities anytime soon. Maybe the conversation will make Bill realize that there is a problem in the marriage that needs to be addressed. Regardless, it’s most important that you and your husband communicate and talk about the kind of friends and activities you want to associate with. Don’t let this couple’s problems spill over into your own marriage.

First of all, we just want to commend you for being such a caring family member. It’s people like you that make the world a better place. We here at AH are dealing with a chronic illness, so we understand where your uncle is coming from. It can be hard to separate yourself from the diagnosis and want to have a pity party, but it serves no purpose. We recommend that you sit down and have a frank discussion with your uncle about his attitude and ask what you can do to help him get out of his funk. Remind him that he has friends and family who love and care about him and want to help, but that he has to want the help and take some personal responsibility for his health. It might not hurt to offer to help him get some counseling or join a support group to help him better deal his health problems and his emotional state. We wish you and your uncle the best!

    My father died fifteen years ago.  After an initial grieving period, my siblings and I encouraged our Mom to start dating, but she refused saying my Dad was the only man she could ever love.  Last weekend we had a big family gathering and it came out that she has started dating my uncle (Dad’s brother) who I’ll call ‘Ron’.  Ron was really great to us after Dad died and stepped in to help our whole family adjust.  They seem very happy together and I’ve not seen Mom like this since Dad was alive.  Ron is a really nice guy and we all love him as an uncle, but his being with our Mom is kind of creepy.   In fact, we all agree that this should just end.  What is the best way to go about telling them to end this relationship without upsetting everyone involved?  -

Dear No Mo’:

    It is completely understandable that you are not crazy about having your uncle and your mother dating.  Trust me, I get it, but at the same time you can’t ask your mother to end a relationship just because you are uncomfortable.  Clearly, this is not something she just jumped into after the passing of your father.  It has taken fifteen years for her open her heart again and it would be an injustice to her to ask her to close it just because you and your siblings are bothered with the situation.  I suggest you deal with your issues yourself either by discussing them with your siblings or a counselor. 

Dear AH:

    One of my best friends is married to a terrific guy.  He is nice, caring and a great provider.  She recently confided to me that she is having an affair and that its not the first time.  I told her she should just stop it and that she could be ruining her marriage.  She agrees that her husband is a nice guy, but she loves the excitement of having a lover on the side.  Should I tell her husband what’s going on?  I love my friend, but I do not agree with what she is doing.  –

Dear Hiding:

    There is only one thing to say here- mind your own business!  I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true.  For all you know, your friend’s husband knows all about the affairs, but chooses to let his wife get it out of her system.  Regardless, their marriage is none of your business.  If you are truly uncomfortable talking about it, tell your friend to keep this part of her life to herself. 

Dear AH: 

    I am in a great relationship with an awesome guy.  He is everything I ever dreamed up.  The problem is I still find myself flirting with strangers.  It never goes any further than a drink or the passing of a fake phone number, but I just can’t help myself.  I love my boyfriend and would never hurt him, but I just can’t seem to stop.  Please tell me what I can do to be the girl he deserves.  –

Dear Flirtin’:

    Is this the first healthy relationship you’ve been in because it sounds like it to me.  People who have had a string of bad relationships tend to always try and have an option out on the horizon for when things fall apart (and they always do).  Now that you are dating a good guy, you are having trouble breaking this trend.  You have to take a leap of faith and give your heart to one person.  It might get broken or it might not, but until you rid yourself of the notion that you might need a boyfriend in the wings, you are just going to keep repeating this behavior.   The next time you find yourself flirting, just completely remove yourself from the situation.  Eventually, you’ll get your blinders on.  Good luck!