Advice Hound

Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Not Alone Again Naturally

Dear Not:

We can appreciate your predicament. Everybody needs some alone time. Often a spouse will interpret this to mean there is a problem in the relationship, when in fact it has nothing to do with the relationship at all.  You have two options. 1. You could explain that, due to the new work schedule, you are not getting enough time for yourself and that he is not getting time to himself. Agree to have an hour or so alone in different parts of the house as “Me Time” for each of you. or 2. You could get him interested in a new hobby which will inadvertently force him to give you space. For instance, encourage he go golfing with the guys. That gives you a good four or five hours to yourself. He is getting exercise and guy time and you are getting your wish for free time. Voila, everybody wins.

Dear AH:

I am a professional man in my late 20s. I’m single, have no kids and have no obligations. My boss is an attractive, married older woman somewhere in her 40s. We have always gotten along well.  About two months ago, we were working late just the two of us and ended up sleeping together. Though I do find this woman attractive, I have no interest in having a relationship with her. She seems to believe that we are an item and has went so far as to force herself on me at work.  I’m afraid if this affair continues, we are going to get caught and I’ll get fired. Also, I don’t think she will react well to my ending the fling. I really don’t want to loose my job. How can I end this relationship with my career in tact.

In A Bad Spot

Dear Bad Spot:

Rule of thumb—never, not ever, NEVER, SLEEP WITH YOUR BOSS! There is no way it’s going to end well. (Just a side note, here at AH, we advise never, ever sleep with a married person, but that’s another question). You may want to speak to your boss and tell her that you think the higher ups may be suspicious of your relationship. Assure her that you do not want to jeopardize her or your careers. Also, tell her that it’s not fair to either of you to have a relationship based on deceit and secrecy. After that, be firm and end the affair. If that doesn’t work and she continues to pursue you, ask for a transfer of departments. Remember to be polite and kind, but firm when working your way out of this mess. Don’t threaten this woman, but don’t let her manipulate you either. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

P.S. Just in case, you may want to be looking for another job- to be on the safe side.

Dear AH:

Last year I discovered that my wife had been cheating on me and had several affairs with different men. Through a very intense period, we have repaired the damage between us and made the marriage much stronger. Though there is still considerable pain, in many ways we’re happier now. Here’s my question: How can I satisfy my overwhelming urge to punish the men who invaded my marriage? I have done some detective work on my own and have pretty much pinned down where a couple of these guys work and their home life ( 2 of them are married with kids). Though I’ve forgiven my wife, I just can’t let these guys get away with this. It’s not fair that our lives have been torn apart while they go on living like nothing ever happened. What I want is the best way to make them wish they’d never come anywhere near my wife or family?

Still Hurting

Dear Still:

Unfortunately, we at AH have quite a bit of experience dealing with a cheating partner. Ah, punishing the interloper. It always seems to be the answer, but in fact, it’s not. You have to step back and take your emotions out and see the situation for what it is. The men your wife had affairs with owe you nothing. They made no vows pertaining to your marriage, but your wife did and that is the person to whom the blame squarely rests. If you are still upset from the affairs, then seek couples counseling. You may be telling yourself that you have forgiven your wife, but you have not. You have just transferred the anger from her to her partners. From your letter, you state that you have worked out the marital problems and moved on as a couple. If that is in fact true, then do that-move on. Taking revenge on these men will do nothing. As a side note, we at AH believe in karma. These guys will get theirs. Be sure of that, but keep you karma and your conscience clear and let the powers that be deal with them.

JUST A THOUGHT

Workplace romance can make an otherwise drab day exciting. The sneaking around and secret lover stuff can be great. However, there is a potential price to pay for such fun, namely the loss of your livelihood and a dent in your career plans. Before you decide to involve yourself with a colleague or boss, weigh costs of the relationship. Are you willing to lose your job over this person? If things don’t work out could the other person make your work day miserable. If after considering these things you still feel like this person is worth the risk, then by all means go for it. But remember, if you are going to be stupid, you need to learn to be tough.

Dear AH:

About six months ago, my boyfriend of five years broke up with me for seemingly no reason. He said he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I found out from a mutual friend that he is engaged. Needless to say, I was devastated. I called him to ask if he had been cheating on me the whole time and he said that he never cheated, but he did meet this girl right after we broke up and he just knew she was the one. When I asked him why it took him five years to figure out that I wasn’t the one, he just kind of laughed like it was a joke. I was so mad that I hung up the phone, but now I really want to know the answer. It’s been a couple of weeks now and I’ve cooled off enough to have an adult conversation, but my sister says that if I call back now I’ll look like a pathetic psycho. She may be right, but it’s killing me. Do you think I should call or am I being nuts.

 Dear Not:

First of all, you are good enough. You and your ex just weren’t right for each other. It doesn’t make either one of you bad people. Just be glad that you didn’t marry this guy and have kids to find out it wasn’t going to work out.

 Also, your sister is right. Do not call this guy. This is the past, so let it go. Clearly he is moving on and so should you. We know it hurts, because trust us, several of us have been down this road before, but it can do no good contacting your ex. Just learn from this experience and open your heart to new love and new experiences. It may take awhile to get over the sting, but eventually you will. Good luck and hang in there.

My husband and I recently had a big church wedding with about 200 guests. It was a great day and it seemed everybody really enjoyed themselves. Everybody kept remarking how calm we both were and that we should be nervous. The reason we weren’t nervous is because we were married over a year before this wedding in a civil ceremony for legal reasons. No one except our parents know about this, not even my or my husbands siblings. We were going to tell everyone, but were worried that they would not take the church wedding serious (we are both very religious and getting married in the Church was important to us). Our question is this, should we tell everybody about the civil ceremony or just keep it secret? I know for certain that a few people would be very upset with us if they knew. Thanks.

 Dear AH:

Sometimes it’s hard to keep a smile on when everything is crumbling around you. It’s easy for someone to say ‘Keep your chin up’, but its hard to actually do it. Without knowing exactly the nature of the crap that’s been happening, all we can offer is this: Things are going to happen which you will have no control over. The only thing you can control is your attitude and how you respond to it. Try and focus on what’s going right and ride out the storm. Good luck with everything.

JUST A THOUGHT

It’s important to communicate what you want out of a relationship right up front. Being coy or playing games is counter productive. If you truly just want a good time, then tell the person you are only in the relationship for laughs. If you are looking to settle down, then make sure the person you are dating knows after the first few dates. You don’t have to be aggressive about it, just let them know where you are in your life and what you want in a relationship. If they aren’t willing or ready to mirror your expectations, politely and in a friendly way move on. It will save a lot of frustration, and possibly tears, down the road.